Monday, October 03, 2005

Brits Revoke USA Independence

I just received the following hilarious e-mail from a teammate in South Africa, via Australia (we really are an amazing global network!) Given the current state of leadership in the US, revoking our independence until we grow up might not be such a bad idea (sort of like grounding a teenager who has exceeded parental boundaries).

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"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether anyone noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium', and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. The suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary). Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will tell Microsoft on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of 'ize'.

You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save the Queen'.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled only by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to own a gun. Therefore you will no longer be permitted to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish, and this is for your own good - when we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK petrol prices (petrol will no longer be referred to as gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed with vinegar, not catsup.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation."

2 comments:

elamr said...

All the American Knight of the British Empire (Bill Gates, Tommy Franks et al) would divide up the coutry and govern for the Queen of England. No, thanks. Things are far from perfect but there beautiful things in the idea of America and what it could some day be. Perhaps (like the great empires of the world, Rome and Babylon) centuries from now some of the ideas that this coutry was built on will stand the test of time and be reused.

I think Tony Blair is so much better than Bush. His passion was very appearent when he talks about the g8 summit issues.

Anonymous said...

I loved it. Funny.